HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other
10. Get tissue and clean nose prints from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide ion the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and yell "No! Outside!! No!! Outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix yourself a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy- Boy with drink in hand and vow to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
THE DOG RULES!
Dogs are never permitted in the house.
The dog stays out side in the specially built wooden compartment named for a very good reason, the
Ok, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under
Ok, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse could be sold in a
garage sale to a rookie dog owner.
Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure cage.
Ok, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the garage sale and the dog can go wherever the
hell he pleases.
The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the
whole works, and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
Ok, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, but he is not allowed under the covers.
Ok, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on your pillow.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, under the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he snores,
he's got to leave the room.
Ok, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and
sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaires as "primary resident" even if it's true.
Remember, in any and all house-hold interactions or disputes -- the dog rules !
POEM FOR A NEW PUPPY OWNER
Don't smell crotches, Don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, Don't grab my hair...
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR!
Don't eat those peas!
Don't touch that bush!
Don't chew my shoes...
What IS that mush? Eat your cookie,
Drink your drink, Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!
AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT!
(And MUST you kiss me after that???)
Yes, raising a puppy, Is not for the lazy!
Though puppies are funny, They're also crazy.
But don't despair, Though toil and strife.
After 3 years, you'll get back your life!
So, let's go for "walkies", You can "do your thing"
(And perhaps I'll get back my DIAMOND RING!)
ROTTWEILER PROPERTY LAWS
If I like it, IT'S MINE
If it's in my mouth, IT'S MINE
If I can take it from you, IT'S MINE
If I had it a little while ago, IT'S MINE
If it is mine it must never appear to be yours in any way
If I'm chewing something all the pieces ARE MINE
If it looks just like mine, IT'S MINE
If I saw it first, IT'S MINE
If you are playing with some thing and you put it down, it automatically becomes MINE
If it is broken, IT'S YOURS
This poem was written by Ken Nagler, an obedience
judge and director of the Canine Training Association in MD.
Now clicker training's quite the fad.
Results from some are not too bad.
The concept stemmed from Pavlov's hound
Responding to some special sound.
The dog would start to salivate
Before he got the food he ate.
The modern click does much the same.
Enhancing our dog-training game
By causing Fido's hopes to raise--
Anticipating treats or praise.
Sometimes you click to no avail,
And other methods also fail.
No matter how you plead or shout,
Sometimes the dog just won't put out
When asked to sit or heel or stay,
Thus giving you a rotten day.
It makes you feel quite like a fool,
And then you start to lose your cool.
But if your methods fail for you.
There's something else that you can do.
Try "liquor training", that's it's name,
To help you with your dog-sport game.
"How does this method work?" you ask
Well, first you get a little flask
Containing gin or other booze
Of any kind that you may choose.
Each time your dog decides to goof,
You take a sip of 80 proof.
It helps the handler to relax
And minimize the stress attacks.
When handler's mood is more at ease,
The dog may sometimes try to please,
Or, then again may still refuse
To mind his training P's and Q's.
But whether foul results or fair
You liquor train -- you just don't care.